Child First - ADHD Second

Your child comes home from school with a little envelope. He can't wait to show you what's inside. But you already know - his bouncy disposition speaks volumes.

Birthday Party.

Ah, the joys of birthday parties!

For parents of a child with ADHD, those two words send a shiver of dread down our spines. While other parents look forward to dropping their little darling off in their Sunday best, a brightly wrapped package in their arms, we feel no such joy.

No, our experience will be different. We'll be careful that our child doesn't eat or drink sugar before he goes. We'll struggle to get him into his birthday best, and then struggle even more to keep him from spoiling it with stains before we leave. And no matter how late we dress him, this always happens. We make sure that the present he gives isn't something he loves himself - the last time we did this, he threw a fit until the birthday boy's mother made her son share the coveted toy. And the present must be something that isn't in the least bit fragile, because by the time he makes it to the front door, it will have been tossed in the air several times, and caught only a few.

As parents drop off their squeaky clean youngsters, you'll linger, trying to decide whether to tell Mommy that your boy can be, "quite a handful." You'll stay at the party with him to put out any fires he starts - figuratively speaking - but literal fires are always a possibility too. Mommy will probably insist that, "He'll be fine." She clearly doesn't know your child.

Now, let me tell you about a personal "Aha!" moment that happened at one such birthday party;

Caleb was about seven. I watched with an eagle eye, through the games, the cake, candy and punch, through the present-opening and playing outside on the swing set. I intervened when he seemed to be getting too wound up, when he grabbed another boy by the jacket and swung him around like ball on a tether. I reminded him how to ask nicely for a second cup of punch. When Mommy attempted polite conversation, I was distracted, afraid I'd miss something my son would surely do. I looked at my watch. It was almost time for the party to be over. We'd almost made it. Then the unruly bunch decided to play one more round of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.

Each child got a chance to be blindfolded and spun around by another child, before being aimed at the plastic donkey, plastic donkey tail in their hand. When it was Caleb's turn to spin his friend, the group counted the spins as usual...1...2...3... That should have been the end. But Caleb kept going, 4...5...6...7... Before I could intervene, the little boy was so dizzy he couldn't stand. "Caleb," I scolded. "That's not how you play the game." I helped the little boy up and pointed him toward the donkey, then stayed close to Caleb for a moment before backing off.

Mommy came to stand by me. "He really is fine, you know."

I nodded politely. Obviously she was delusional.

Then something happened.

I watched as time after time, the little boys copied Caleb's version of the game, spinning each child until they were dizzy and crawling on the floor...laughing hysterically. I couldn't help but smile. I looked at Mommy and we started to laugh. The boys were having more fun rolling around on the floor than playing the game. Pure joy-filled fun!

Mommy elbowed me gently. "Boys..." she laughed. "What're you gonna do?"

Maybe she wasn't so delusional after all. 

For the remainder of the party, I stepped outside of my parent-of-a-kid-with-ADHD role. I took in the whole scene. Caleb wasn't all that different from the other little boys. They were all wound up and a little too rowdy. But in this moment, in this setting, he was absolutely normal. He was a seven year old boy and he was acting like every other boy at that party.

I learned something that day that I would revisit many, many times over the next several years. Since his diagnosis, I'd forgotten how to see my son as a little boy. Life with Caleb had been so difficult and so very different than his siblings, that the focus had become the diagnosis, and not the child. He still had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, and there were behaviors associated with that. But from that day on, I changed my thought process. My son was a child first, and a child with ADHD second.

He is a teenager now and I still use the same mantra; Child First - ADHD Second. God knows it's just as relevant as a teenager as it was when he was seven.

So, what do you think? Have you had similar experiences? How do you decide when to intervene and when to back off?

ADHD at School: The best classroom for my son!

I was teaching at the same elementary school that my son was attending. Due to ADHD, he was struggling in the classroom, on the playground, in the cafeteria - pretty much anywhere he went. I was teaching special education, so I spent the majority of my time in my classroom with "my" kids...aka: I didn't get out much.

The school was three stories with grades K-1 on the first story, grades 2-4 on the second story, and 5th grades on the third. Well, one afternoon, I was walking down the hallway of the 2nd story and passed by a classroom. I glanced in to see a small classroom of kids. The classroom was noisier than others. Something about it made me turn around and go back for another look.

I stood a few feet from the door, watching. The kids were all at a long table, rather than desks. They sat on stools instead of chairs. Some were standing. It looked pretty laid back. Students were working together on a project; some looking in microscopes, others using colored cubes to make designs of some sort, and still others were writing on poster board. They were all engaged in whatever it was they were doing. They were talking, sometimes loudly. I stepped to the side a bit, to try to see just who the teacher was. I hadn't seen him before. He had on blue jeans, an untucked dress shirt and a bow tie. His hair was spiked down the middle. He wasn't lecturing from the front of the room; in fact I wasn't sure where the front was. He was simply circulating. He patted kids on the back, gave high-5's.

It was wonderful. I looked at the room number, and made a mental note to ask the principal about it.

That classroom was just what Caleb needed. it looked like every kid in there was free to learn at their own pace. Every learning style was addressed, not just the usual school norm of addressing only auditory learners. Caleb was a hands-on learner. He needed to touch, feel, manipulate things to learn. He needed to be able to move about and talk about his process.

I was so excited about this classroom. The kids looked a bit older than Caleb, so I hoped I hadn't missed the opportunity to request Caleb be in that room. Later that day, I carved out a few minutes and went into the principals office.

I described the classroom but she seemed to have no idea who I was talking about. Finally, I said, "Room 2-D?"

"Ooooh..." she said. "That's the gifted classroom."

Ironically, the classroom that looked perfect for my child was created for the smartest of the smart.

I've never forgotten that. Why? Because our school system was failing my child terribly. Because a solution was right there in his own school. And because my child would never have the opportunity to benefit from such a classroom. No, my child would continue his education,  in classrooms for children who learned best by being lectured at. What a travesty. What a disappointment. And shame on the schools for seeing a gifted child as one who benefits from such a structure, but never addressing who else it might benefit.

I am convinced that had my son been allowed to be in such a classroom, his educational experience would have been much different - much BETTER in fact, than the education he received. Has anything changed since then?

I doubt it.

If you could design a classroom for your child, what would it look like?

Still Running in Circles, Karen

ADHD: My Son Does Not Need Fixing!

I recently read on WebMd that if a mother-to-be smoked during pregnancy, her child was twice as likely to have ADHD. http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/ss/slideshow-adhd-in-children So, what is a nonsmoking mother to think of that statistic? I don't know. So, as usual, I'm writing about it. Writing is how I think, how I process things.

My son has struggled all his life. He has lived in a body that just wouldn't stay still, a mind that wouldn't focus, and a brain that had no filter, forcing him to act without weighing consequences, if even for a moment.

His struggles affected me as a mother. I was at times embarrassed by his behavior, saddened that he couldn't have it easier, and frustrated when all of my efforts seemed in vain. His struggles effected my life, my marriage, and my other children.

I could go on and on.

But when I read a statistic like the one above, my first thought isn't "shame on that parent" for smoking during pregnancy. In fact, that isn't even in my first ten in a list of reactions. What is? Well, even with all the struggles, I maintain that ADHD is more of a problem for society than it is for my son.

Most of the time, the attitude I carry with me is that there is nothing wrong with my son. I mean, who is to say that the little boy who sits in the front of the class, quietly complying with every one of his teacher's directions, is the normal one. In fact, that's a little abnormal, as far as I'm concerned. I fought long and hard to finally get to the bottom of what made my son struggle so. The diagnosis was a relief. But I can't say it helped all that much.

As a mother who loves her child fiercely, I can't think of him as a broken radio that just needs to be fixed. No. My son doesn't need fixing. What he needs is to be seen as a person with a list of personality traits, just like everyone else. What he needs is a dose of compassion and a pat on the back for everything that he is and everything he aspires to be. What he needs is what every child needs; no more, no less.

That's my thought for the day. ~Karen

ADHD at Home: Halloween

Ah, Halloween. It's the one day of the year that everything we teach our kids about health, nutrition, and moderation, goes out the window. For 364 days we've harped on the importance of limiting sweets. Then, on October 31st, we take our darlings door-to-door, filling their plastic pumpkins with loads of sugar-laden candies.

What's a Mama to do?

Here are a few tips;

• Start with a healthy meal. In fact, don't let your little goblin put on their little goblin costume until they have eaten a balanced meal. This is a good time to load up on protein.
• Make a new tradition. Choose something like chili and make it every year on Halloween. Soon, healthy eating will be a part of your Halloween tradition.
• Don't buy candy. I don't know about your family, but mine eat more of our own candy on the days leading up to Halloween, than we do of the stuff we get door-to-door. Buy small packs of crackers, pretzels, Gold Fish or other non-candy sweets.
• Buy Johnny a small candy receptical. Seriously. When I was young, I had a very small plastic pumpkin to fill on Halloween night. My sister had a large one. I loved it when mine was filled up. Hers  never got full. Give your child the illusion of having more than he actually does. 
• Limit the number of houses you'll go to or neighborhoods you will visit. And when you're done, you're done.
• See if there is a carnival, fun house, or corn maze you can visit. Your child will still get candy, but the focus will be on having fun, not collecting candy.
• When you get home, have your child keep track of how many trick-or-treaters come to the door. A piece of paper, a pen and tally marks is all you need. This will keep him focused on something besides sitting with a bowl of candy in his lap. You can modify the tally by having two columns; one for scary costumes and one for non-scary.
• Decide on your candy theory and stick to it. Most parents let their child have X amount of candy every day until it's gone. My son's dentist said she prefers that they eat it all in one night and be done with it. Whatever you decide, be consistent. 

Do you have Halloween coping skills you'd like to share? Please do. ~Karen

photo credit: correymillerphoto.com

ADHD: School Meetings

photo credit: careerworks.biz

Parent-teacher conferences can make a grown Mama shake in her boots - especially a Mama with a kiddo with ADHD. Conferences for our kids always seem to take on a negative tone. Look at the photo above; Imagine yourself, walking in and sitting down at that table. Quick...how do you feel?

That bad, huh?

Well, I've got the solution. I've sat on both sides of that little table; the one where your only choice is to sit in a tiny chair with your...ample-ness hanging over both sides. The thing about those meetings is this; teachers are prepared. You know what that means? It means you have to be prepared too.

Your child's teacher(s)will have an agenda and a pile of papers to show you. Those papers might include a report card, assessments in different subjects, tests he has taken, samples of his daily work, his progress on IEP goals or 504 Plan, reports from specials like music, P.E., and library.

Educational staff might include; the classroom teacher, special education teacher, school psychologist, school counselor, P.E. teacher, music teacher, principal, or instructional assistant. Each person has your child's best interest in mind. Each one has an agenda; to let you know how your child is doing in school.

Conferences are infuriatingly short, some as short as 5 minutes, others as long as 10. It's just not enough time. And just sitting down with these professionals can be so intimidating that you end up saying nothing at all.

Here are a few tips that can help you regain some control;

1. Make a list of questions or comments and bring them with you.
2. Talk to the teacher ahead of time and let her know that you will need a few minutes to speak.
3. If you need more than a few minutes, ask if the conference time can be changed or even moved to an after school slot the following week.
4. Bring your won pile of papers; you may not need them all, but it's good to be prepared. Items might include doctor's reports and anecdotal notes you've taken at home.
5. Be respectful. If you disagree with something, give your based-on-fact opinion, but don't get into an argument.
6. Teachers are busy - but remember, conferences should be a conversation, not a lecture. So try to keep the dialog conversational. End by asking what you can do to help Johnny do even better at school.
7. Share stories of success, if you've seen good things in your child. Everyone wants to feel like what they're doing is making a difference.
8. If you're not satisfied that all your questions were answered or that you had ample time to share your concerns, ask for another meeting. It's perfectly within your rights as a parent to do so.

I can tell you from a teacher's perspective that parents who did these things at conferences had my utmost respect. I felt like they were part of the team of people who were working together in the best interest of their child, my student.

Have you ever done something like this at parent-teacher conferences? How did it turn out? Have you ever felt intimidated by the educational process? ~Karen

ADHD at Home: All Behavior is Communication

photo credit: Getty

A baby cries and you know she wants one of three things; to be fed, to be changed, to be comforted. Children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder are no different. Whenever you see a behavior that baffles, infuriates, or irriates you, I want you to do something for me. Stop, watch, listen, rewind, and conclude.

Stop: Before you react, which is what we parents of kids with ADHD do oh-so-well, stop yourself. When you react without giving it much thought, you're only exacerbating the problem.

Watch: What just happened? Did your child throw something? Did she run from you? Did she scream or throw a tantrum?

Listen: What do you hear? Words? Growling? Yelling? If you heard words, what were they? Do you know what they meant?

Rewind: Now, with all that information at your fingertips, I want you to take what you know about the reaction you just saw and rewind the tape. What happened prior to the incident? What happened a half hour before? Keep rewinding until you see something you hadn't seen before. Often it's as simple as figuring out what happened earlier in the day.

Conclude: Did you see something you hadn't seen before? Every behavior is communication. Your child is trying to tell you something. But often our kids are speaking in a language that is so socially unacceptable, that we forget they're speaking at all. This can be so frustrating for both the child and for her parent. But when you step back and view your child's day with objectivity, often you can find what he's trying to tell you. And if you know what she's saying, you can then work on it together.

Have you ever had a time when you discovered something important about your child's behavior? What happened? What action did you take to resolve it?

Next time: A real-life example that puts these steps to use.

ADHD at Home: In the Kitchen

When my son was about four, and not yet diagnosed with ADHD, we were finally realizing that the things that most kids learned by osmosis, just weren't happening for him. Sustained attention was nearly impossible for him. And we were going to have to actually teach him things like waiting for mealtime. While other kids slowly came to the understanding that good things really do come to those who wait, our kids just don't get that message. In fact, we help them come to an entirely different realization - that good things come to those who whine. And that whining gets them whatever they wanted faster.

It can take a while to reverse this.

Here are a few ways to make meal times more fun while teaching your child to wait;

1. Let your child be part of the preparation process. Have him set the table, put ingredients in the bowl, or stir for you. It's as simple as that.

2. Ask him to count as you measure ingredients or count food that goes into the pan.

3. Talk constantly. I know, I know...that's his job. But if you are constantly explaining what is going on, what you're doing...it gives his mind something to do, not just this time, but subsequent times too.

Example: You're making macaroni and cheese. Open the silverware drawer and let him count out four sets of (or however many you need) forks, and spoons. As you're making preparations behind him, ask with true curiosity, "I wonder how many that is all together?" Next, show him where the number two is on the measuring cup. Measure out the milk as he counts and says "2" when you get to the 2 cup mark. Explain everything you're doing. Such as, "I'm putting the water on to boil first because if I put the macaroni noodles in cold water, they'll all get stuck together. I'm putting a little salt in the water because then the salt will flavor the noodles just a little. I'm measuring carefully because I don't want the mac and cheese to be too runny - that's what happens when you use too much milk..."

You get the idea. Active children are very curious. With the right tone of voice, and enthusiasm, you can keep his attention and teach him to wait all at the same time. What have you tried, to make meal preparation time more enjoyable with your ADHD child? We'd love to know your ideas too! ~Karen

Diagnosed with ADHD In Utero

My son was diagnosed with ADHD before he was born. Well, not really, but he could have been...if I'd known then what I do now.

Baby Boy was my third child. So, I had two previous pregnancies to compare him to. There were marked differences. Here are the major ones;

1. He never slept.
2. He kicked HARD.
3. He was acrobatic.

Let's take a closer look;

1. He never slept: You know what they say, never say never, and never say always. Why? Because they're an exaggeration and therefore rarely true. So, I admit it, saying that Baby Boy never slept is an exaggeration. You'll find that if you're around a mom of a child with ADHD, exaggeration is mandatory - how else can we get our thoughts across, to the uninitiated. From the first time I felt Baby Boy kick, he set out to disturb my every moment, but especially any peaceful ones. He kicked whenever I sat down, tried to sleep, lounged, or just generally relaxed with the expectation of peace. Parents always complain that their already born children have their days and nights mixed up. Oh how I wished life could be so simple. Sleeping during the day and being up all night was just like working the night shift, right? But what if you work the day shift and the night shift? That's what Baby Boy did. I swear to gawd he was onstage doing a tap dance with the Rockettes 24-7. And guess what? Here's what little math I can still figure out; Baby Who Never Sleeps=Mama Who Never Sleeps. Math stinks!

2. He kicked HARD: I remember a particular period of time when Caleb had this thing about kicking my right side, up in my rib. I can feel it now, eighteen years later, whenever I think about it. It felt like he got his foot stuck between my ribs, which served as a starting block for him to kick off of. I'm sure if there had been the right sort of technology, you would have seen my battered and bruised innards, which would have been nice because I finally would have had something to show my apathetic obstetrician. But alas, I suffered in silence...well, except for when I was whining and complaining...crying. Yes, it hurt so bad, I seriously cried on occasion.

3. He was an acrobat: Baby Boy was an acrobat shortly after conception. Of course, I couldn't feel it for a few months. But when I did...man-oh-man! I remember my obstetrician saying that those crazy side-to-side kicks would slow way down in the last month, since Baby Boy wouldn't have space to move that much anymore. Wrong. He would not be cramped by space, nor limited by that darn umbilical cord. When space got limited, I pictured him unscrewing the end of the cord, tying it in a not and shoving it with his foot, out of the way, maybe into an internal organ like my liver or something. Then he held his breath and pushed off the sides like a toddler in a bathtub. Back and forth; swish and slosh. Kicking, pounding with his fists, sticking his tongue out, he raised as much he*# as In Utero-ly possible.

So, looking back, I think I could definitely argue the point, that my child had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder before I even held his wiggly, little baby body in my arms.

Obviously this post is a bit tongue-in-cheek, but all of it is mostly true. Baby Boy was and continues to be...truly unique. Gotta love that!

So, what do you think? Do you have a child with ADHD? When did you know s/he was different? Tell us your story. We'd love to hear it! ~Karen

Welcome to my New Blog!

Welcome to my new blog! I'm so excited to do this. My son has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. He is 18-years old but the memories of raising him are as fresh as if they happened yesterday. Seriously. Aside from raising my son, I also taught special education for 14-years; eight of which were in a program designed for children with behavior issues. I have lots of experience teaching kids with ADHD. I was a behavior specialist within the program and designed many, many behavior programs for parents to implement with their kiddos. One of my core beliefs is that all behavior is communication. It's my passion to discover what your child (and mine) is trying to tell you. But let me tell you, teaching a child with ADHD is entirely different than being blessed with his presence 24-7. What a difficult thing to do! So, I hope to share things that worked both at home and at school, as well as the heartache and joys that come with raising a unique child. Together we can support each other. If you have questions you'd like me to answer, please don't hesitate to ask! photo: My energetic son! Sincerely, Karen Alaniz